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Professor Gum Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

Professor Gum is the song-writing alter ego of Montgomery Kane, a fingerstyle guitarist and dad from Pittsburgh, PA. His first collection of songs sets up shop in the territory somewhere in between 'Puff, The Magic Dragon' and 'Poisoning Pigeons In The Park.' ... more

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Track Name: Critters Are Food
Critters are food.
They're found in nature, in the nude.
They can be fricasseed or stewed,
then either swallowed whole or chewed.
And maybe they were begging us for mercy when they mooed,
But the mooers were subdued
and subsequently used for food.

Critters are meat.
They're found in nature--which is neat!
They're little steaklings in the making;
for escaping, they've got feet.
And maybe they're communicatin' when they whinny, bark, and bleat,
But they taste so very sweet that every one got used as meat.

I know there's some who'll disagree
But your protein deficiency
Only means there's more for me...
There's more for me!

I know there's some who'll prob'ly say
'Let the happy creatures play'
Looks to me like a buffet
Like a buffet!

Critters are food.
They're found in nature, in the nude.
They can be fricasseed or stewed
then either swallowed whole or chewed.
And maybe they were begging us for mercy when they mooed,
but you can't live on kibble.
so it's incontrover-TIBLE
that critters
are food.
Track Name: Bird And Worm
Bird And Worm, Bird And Worm... I like Bird And Worm!
Track Name: Professor Gum's Bug Juice Tonic
BUG JUICE is what you need
BUG JUICE is guaranteed
to help you to succeed
yes, BUG JUICE has many uses

cures every known disease
with a natural taste that's sure to please
ask for it freshly squeezed:
BUG JUICE.
(Yes, Bug Juice!)

BUG JUICE will never fail you
it's sure to cure what ails you
now with ten percent more snail goo,
BUG JUICE has many uses

keeps your eyesight twenty-twenty,
improves you physically and ment'lly
our motto is, 'we squish 'em gently'
BUG JUICEtm.
(Yes, Bug Juice!)

it's available in bottles, it's available in kegs
and when you drink it, you should drink it to the dregs
it provides you with immunity to pimples, flu, and plagues
and just one glass supplies your daily dose of legs

**EPIC KAZOO SOLO**

BUG JUICE has been perfected
those who doubt it must stand corrected
they'll wonder, "why the heck did
I not take this as directed?"

cleans and deodorizes
it's a steal no matter what the price is
and mostly made of flies is
BUG JUICE.
(Yes, Bug Juice!)

BUG JUICE is what you need
BUG JUICE is guaranteed
to help you to succeed
yes, BUG JUICE has many uses

cures every known disease
with a natural taste that's sure to please
ask for it freshly squeezed:
BUG JUICEtm.
Track Name: Only Dessert
Lima beans sit in your stomach and grow.
Green peas will make your pee green--did you know?
Meatballs make stripes when they roll down your shirt.
That's why what I'm having's ONLY DESSERT.

I prefer it:
My desser-it.
That's all I'm having today.

I think potatoes are gross when they sprout.
Plus, they have eyes, which is grossing me out.
Plus, I heard vegetables all grow in dirt.
That's why what I'm having's ONLY DESSERT.

I prefer it:
My desser-it.
That's all I'm having today.

(solo--hold up lighters)

Chickens get mad if you steal from the coop.
They might come after you, all in a group.
Then, if they pecked you, it might really hurt.
That's why what I'm having's ONLY DESSERT.

I prefer it:
My desser-it.
That's all I'm having today.

Only dessert! Only dessert!
That's all I'll eat--I don't care what you say.
I prefer it:
My desser-it.
That's all I'm having today.
Track Name: Tomat!
I love the sauce that's in the pot.
Though it ought not, it occupies my every thought.
If only I could get it running cold and hot from a spigot,
I'd be besotted with my one true love: TOMAT!

I love the sauce that's in the dish.
Simmered or fried, it satisfied my needs nutritional.
If only I were swimming in it like a fish, I'd have my wish--
But there is not enough TOMAT just in a dish.

The song is played rubato;
The sauce is made WITH A TOMATO.

I love the sauce that's in the pot.
Though it ought not, it occupies my every thought.
It's lucky I can get it running cold and hot from a spigot,
'Cause I'd be distraught if it were not for my TOMAT!